Renewal of Contract

Two weeks ago, January 19th I decided to embark on a lifestyle change. I and my best friend listened to a message by Pastor Mike Hayes, Daniel's Fast for the Future.  My walk with the Lord had become sloppy, my health was at it's worst. I felt lethargic physically and spiritually. I was in a downward spiral, I didn't really know it, until now. I felt that if things didn't begin to change I would end up dead inside. Jasmine as you knew her would be dead. I've been complimented for my smile, and for my ability to bring peace and wisdom to situations. These days however I felt tired and dry. This was due to a lot of things, some of this was doubt, fear, and the fact that I was in a new country whose spiritual climate is one of helplessness, despair, and compromise. The verse that became very clear to me here was that the Kingdom of God suffers violence, but the violent take it by force. (Mt. 11:12) This place was not a sit back and see what happens kind of place or a go with the flow type of environment. Haiti is a place where you have to PUSH, you have to inquire of the Lord, you have to call for Heaven's will to be done here. Well, you can't do this, you can't fight the good fight if you are feeling faint. So it became clear to me that it was time to make a change and this would have to be intentional. After listening to the message by Pastor Mike Hayes I realized that this was a life or death type of change that was needed. You see if Daniel would have gone with the flow of the environment he was in, he would have perished. His calling would have never been fulfilled. He would have assimilated to the Babylonian culture and he would have never heard from God on the interpretation of the King's dream and he would have never had favor to raise up King Cyrus––the one that would release Daniel's people back to their land from exile. Daniel would've missed it, all because he didn't resist, because he didn't resolve not to eat from the King's food.

When I was 17, ten years ago, the Lord gave me a vision and he called me to serve Him. There was a passion in my heart to complete this mission that was now implanted on my heart, my mind, and my desire. I've worked towards it, everyplace I go to I discover more and more about how to fulfill this mission, but I was beginning to grow weary. I'm now working on my masters––a prerequisite to fulfilling this promise, and I've had a struggle. There are questions that I have to think about, of which I do not have an answer for. Fear creeps in sometimes, I wonder How? Why? Me? Why can't I just have a normal life... so much dreaming, so much sacrifice, for what? I don't have anything to show for it now. My life doesn't make sense to many around me. She wanders is what I hear people say. She's not grounded. Yet in the deepest parts of me there is a knowing that God will not lead me into despair, He will not cause my feet to stumble. He will not punish me for going or doing what I hear Him say to me. No matter how foolish, no matter how different it is from what everyone else is doing. My deepest place says I trust God. But this voice was becoming faint, it was drowning with the thoughts of my mind. I needed to hear from God again.

I began this food and veggie diet for ten days, just as Daniel did. Mostly because of one statement: When you are not eating right, there is a haze that can fog your vision. At that moment I knew exactly what Pastor Mike Hayes was saying. I felt this way. I needed to defrost the windshield of my eyes. After 6 days I began to see the change in my body. I was able to fit into a dress that fit me like a shirt only a week ago. I was no longer having headaches or chest pain. I got on a regular sleeping and waking up schedule. My days were more productive, and my time with the Lord was more fruitful. I learned about Water and how it has memory, the power of our words. I learned that what I speak and think actually does affect what happens. The link I just provided proves how this is even evident through nature. It's deep! Truth is that I had been speaking doubt and negative things about myself, my future, and it was time to stop.

It is now the 15th day, and I got news today that my security clearance which I have been waiting for since I arrived to this country (and before) was finally cleared. :) I also met with someone yesterday who asked for me to send him my resume because there are possible employment opportunities in the area that I actually want and need to be prepared in. I don't know if I'll actually get that job, but I don't care! There's  movement..finally.... I feel confident that God honored my 14 day commitment to restore order in my life through my eating habits, and so He is moving things that have been on hold. I trust his timing is perfect. I don't disdain the time I've waited, I am just thankful for what he did today. I'm thankful for how I'm feeling now. The fact that I'm writing says a lot. (I had been having a real hard time with writing it was like brain freeze). I'm thankful for this lesson.

I also heard a message tonight, which is the reason I titled this post the way I did. Heidi Baker  (forward to about 2:00:00 in the video) spoke of Mary and the promise that God gave her––she was to carry His son for 9 months, and she would give birth to the Savior of the world: Jesus. This "favor" was costly. Her parents would surely look at her as a liar and as crazy; her husband wanted to divorce her; people all around her would fail to understand. They would accuse her of fornication and many other things. Heidi asked, who will hold onto God's promise in their life full-term? Just last week I was sharing with a friend that I felt that maybe I was burnt out, and Heidi talked about this in her message. She said we are to be burning and never burnt out. God is looking for sustainability. Even as the development world is coming up with ways for sustainable development, God calls us into sustainability. He asks, will you carry the promise I gave you until it's time to give birth to it? Will you take care of it, will you eat the proper foods, will you prepare in the proper way in order to have a healthy delivery? Mary asked, How will this be Lord? I too have asked HOW God, how can I? how will I? How..... but she couldn't do anything to get pregnant could she? She couldn't make it happen, she had no clue when it would happen, there was no way to make it happen earlier or later. She just had to say YES and allow God to do what He said He would do.  I was growing weary, but tonight I was reminded that I don't have to know How I just have to say Yes. Everyday Yes. Every night, Yes. Every trimester, every contraction, every pain, YES. I must keep going, I must never burn out. Our passion, our fire, burns out without intimacy. Unless we sit before the Lord and receive of his word over our lives, we will die. Our computers lose charge after some time away from their power source. We too die, our battery dies, if we don't plug in daily.

This mission that has been implanted into my heart, mind, and soul is the Lord's. There is no one else who is capable of fulfilling the unique and special calling that is on my life. Just as no one can do what God has called YOU to do. He creates us each different, with a special skill set to do what only we can do. This brings me peace, it brings me joy, and it brings me responsibility. Let me be all that I was created to be, let me not strive to be something that I'm not. May God be my center, be my guide.

Today I lay down my heart, just as it is, I ask of the Lord to renew within me this passion that I once had to believe and move towards fulfilling the work set before me. I lay down my will, that His will be done. I give it all to him, along with my failures, that He would save me, that He would direct me, that He would look upon me and call me blessed.