You think you've made a wise decision because you are moving away from the very person who has too much power over your emotions. When you talk with, hang out with this person you can't help but to desire to be something for him or her; you step into a certain role for them; your demeanor changes when he or she is around. You aren't yourself, or at least you aren't the self that you are used to having under control. So for all of these reasons you begrudgingly have to let him or her "go". You said, "I need time." "I can't take this anymore" " I feel sick every time we talk" So you hit an all time low and you realize that what you were aiming for with this relationship is not panning out, so you indeed let this person go. You force yourself to be angry with, bitter towards, and unresponsive towards him/her. This is difficult, you are not this type of person.
You struggle... At first. You are used to responding to calls automatically. So you go through the cycle. Again and again. Until once again you convince yourself that this is the healthiest option for you. So you step away. You struggle; until somehow he/she gets it! He doesn't call anymore. She replies but it's short. You've now, unwittingly, become that friend who never kept in touch. If she only knew how hard it was to stay away. You see.... You were never away. The fact that you stopped talking doesn't mean he wasn't on your mind. He still had a grip on you. Your heart, your thoughts were intrically interwoven with this other person who..... Hmmmm..... Had no idea you had the slightest care for him. Now that she's no longer trying to hold on to you, you wonder what if? But then you stop yourself. You tell yourself that you were miserable, you weren't yourself. You remind yourself of the cyclical pattern of your relationship and your feelings when this person was around.
You silence the creeping thoughts. Sure enough, after doing this for so long and forcing your mind to think on new things, you're Free! Free! No longer tied, no longer burdened. Not wondering what if, not dreaming about how things happened. You are finally and completely free. At least from this one.
Then, out of nowhere, you scroll through your messages and you see that persons name and you click and realize that the last message that was sent was not from you, it was her message. A message that in those days you deliberately chose not to respond to. So you wonder.... Why was I so insistent in having my way or no way. Then you wonder if it's ok to just pick up the conversation where you last dropped it.
The feelings are creeping back in. Beware. Do you risk it? Do you rekindle this friendship. After all, that person has no idea of the drama that went on at the other side of the curtain.
When feelings creep in....inspired by every woman's true story.
Get a hold of your heart, for from it flows the wellspring of life.
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